Chapter 8: Working with the seven keys

This last chapter of Saying What's Real is largely a recap of what has come before, with some additional advice on putting these key phrases into practice.

Some tidbits:

• "Remember, the goal is not to keep your partner comfortable. The goal is aliveness, spontaneity, presence, and honesty."
• "[These key phrases] guide you gently into the here-and-now, which is where the relationship is really happening."

And we're done!

Overall, I think Getting Real is a better book than Saying What's Real, and if you are thinking of reading one of Susan Campbell's books, or any book on authentic/honest communication, I wholeheartedly recommend Getting Real as a starting point. But Saying What's Real also has some very useful material.

Chapter 7: "Can we talk about how we're feeling?"

We've finally made it to the seventh and last key phrase.

• "How are you feeling about this relationship? Is it meeting your needs?"
• "Can we talk about how we're feeling about what's going on?"
• "I'd like to talk about what just happened. I think we may be stuck in a pattern."
• "Can we talk about what's happening?"
• "Before we leap into having sex tonight, I want to check in with you about how we're both feeling."

This phrase "can be used to get you communicating about something that just happened a minute ago, or it can prompt you to step back and look at how satisfied you are in this relationship overall." It's a way of pausing to check in.

Chapter 6: "I hear you, and I have a different perspective"

Sorry for the delay in posting this. I've been busy!

Top-of-chapter examples:

• I hear that you want to spend the weekend with your parents, and I'd prefer that we spend a romantic weekend alone.
• I hear you saying you want to get a new truck, and I'm afraid we won't be able to make the payments.
• I hear that you want to start being sexually open to other lovers, and I still want to be monogamous.
• I hear you saying you think we should forbid Suzie from going out with boys until she is sixteen, and I'm afraid she'll just do it behind our backs.

This key phrase is about holding differences, which the author says helps build mutual trust: "it builds self-trust because you're no longer assuming that you'll lose yourself if you become open to the other's views; and it helps others trust you because they can sense that while you're really showing up for yourself, you care about their views as well."

Chapter 5: "I appreciate you for..."

I didn't use "I'm getting triggered" much last week, because thankfully I didn't often feel triggered. There was one time that I said "I'm having trouble thinking because I'm flooded with emotion right now," and it led to a good conversation.

Now for Chapter 5!

• I appreciate you for telling me what you want.
• I appreciate you for doing the dishes last night.
• I appreciate you for the way you're looking at me right now.
• I appreciate you for getting your term project done a week before the deadline.
• I appreciate you for saying you'll get into treatment for your alcoholism.

Appreciations should be specific, and can be for behaviors (what the other person did, said, or didn't do) or for qualities (who the other person is).

The author notes that appreciation is as good for the appreciator as for the appreciated: "Appreciating others gets you in the habit of noticing more and more things to appreciate, thus leading to an overal attitude of gratitude for your life. Developing this attitude will create a sort of backdrop of positive feelings from which other feelings come and go."

Chapter 4: "I'm getting triggered"

I'm happy to report that I did indeed clear some feelings last week. :-)

Now on to Chapter 4!

• "What you just said is triggering a reaction."
• "I notice I'm having a reaction."
• "I'm starting to get defensive."
• "I think I'm getting a button pushed."
• "I'm getting my 'not good enough' button pushed."
• "I'm getting triggered."

The author mentions that using this phrase can "signal to the other partner a level of self-awareness that tends to help him feel safer." And that "noticing and revealing your reaction can also foster self-acceptance."

Chapter 3: "I have some feelings to clear"

I was going to do a chapter a week, but it's been nearly two weeks since my last post. I think I've been procrastinating on Chapter 3, "I have some feelings to clear," since I'm a bit conflict-avoidant and am frankly a little frightened to raise lingering resentments in my intimate relationships. But that just means I need this chapter!

Examples from the top of the chapter:

• "There's something I've been withholding from you."
• "I have some anger to clear so we can get back to feeling good with each other."
• "Can we talk about something that's been bothering me?"
• "I have some feedback for you that could be hard to hear... please know that my intent is not to hurt you but to make our relationship better."

The author suggests setting aside regular time to clear feelings in your most significant relationships... so you don't avoid doing it like I'm prone to do! Much of the chapter is devoted to specific formats and phrasings that can be used for such a session.

Phrase #2: "I want..."

I didn't do so great using "Hearing you say that, I feel..." last week. I'll keep trying to remember to use that phrase, while continuing on to Chapter 2: "I want...."

Examples from the top of the chapter:

- "I want to hear your feelings about what I'm saying."

- "I want to have a talk with you about something I've had on my mind."

- "I want to feel your arms around me."

- "I want you to come with me to the store."

- "I want you to just listen and not say anything until I'm finished."

I've only just started the chapter, but I was struck by this sentence in the first paragraph:

"If you'd like more intimacy in your life, it's good to express your wants frequently and shamelessly."

Go!