Chapter 5: "I appreciate you for..."

I didn't use "I'm getting triggered" much last week, because thankfully I didn't often feel triggered. There was one time that I said "I'm having trouble thinking because I'm flooded with emotion right now," and it led to a good conversation.

Now for Chapter 5!

• I appreciate you for telling me what you want.
• I appreciate you for doing the dishes last night.
• I appreciate you for the way you're looking at me right now.
• I appreciate you for getting your term project done a week before the deadline.
• I appreciate you for saying you'll get into treatment for your alcoholism.

Appreciations should be specific, and can be for behaviors (what the other person did, said, or didn't do) or for qualities (who the other person is).

The author notes that appreciation is as good for the appreciator as for the appreciated: "Appreciating others gets you in the habit of noticing more and more things to appreciate, thus leading to an overal attitude of gratitude for your life. Developing this attitude will create a sort of backdrop of positive feelings from which other feelings come and go."

Chapter 4: "I'm getting triggered"

I'm happy to report that I did indeed clear some feelings last week. :-)

Now on to Chapter 4!

• "What you just said is triggering a reaction."
• "I notice I'm having a reaction."
• "I'm starting to get defensive."
• "I think I'm getting a button pushed."
• "I'm getting my 'not good enough' button pushed."
• "I'm getting triggered."

The author mentions that using this phrase can "signal to the other partner a level of self-awareness that tends to help him feel safer." And that "noticing and revealing your reaction can also foster self-acceptance."

Chapter 3: "I have some feelings to clear"

I was going to do a chapter a week, but it's been nearly two weeks since my last post. I think I've been procrastinating on Chapter 3, "I have some feelings to clear," since I'm a bit conflict-avoidant and am frankly a little frightened to raise lingering resentments in my intimate relationships. But that just means I need this chapter!

Examples from the top of the chapter:

• "There's something I've been withholding from you."
• "I have some anger to clear so we can get back to feeling good with each other."
• "Can we talk about something that's been bothering me?"
• "I have some feedback for you that could be hard to hear... please know that my intent is not to hurt you but to make our relationship better."

The author suggests setting aside regular time to clear feelings in your most significant relationships... so you don't avoid doing it like I'm prone to do! Much of the chapter is devoted to specific formats and phrasings that can be used for such a session.